Navigating Mismatched Libidos:

Embracing the Full Spectrum of Intimacy

with Sarah Wilde, Sex & Relationship Coach and the founder of Modern Sex Life

Mismatched libidos, or sex drive discrepancy (SDD as sex therapists call it) is an issue that affects upwards of 70% of couples at some point in their relationship, and it can be accompanied by a lot of tension and hurt. And how we approach this disconnect, either with compassion and tools for understanding, or with mounting frustration and personalization, can determine if and how we make it to the other side.

To truly understand this incredibly common issue holistically we can’t just look at the physiology of desire (hint: hormones), we have to look more broadly at relational patterns. So to delve into a fresh perspective on mismatched libido I asked Sarah Wilde, Sex & Relationship Coach and founder of Modern Sex Life, to offer her approach.

Mismatched desires, with one partner leaning towards a higher drive and the other a lower one, are not uncommon.

What's crucial to understand is that these roles are not fixed; they can shift and change throughout the course of a relationship.

As we explore the complexities of mismatched libidos, let's first embrace the notion that this phenomenon is not a flaw but rather an opportunity for growth and exploration. It's not about conforming to a set pattern or trying to force a match; instead, it's about finding equilibrium that nurtures the connection between partners.

Let’s start by acknowledging the validity of both roles, which is not just a recognition of our differences but an empowering embrace of the unique dynamics each partner brings to the relationship.

Guided by the principles of the Modern Method, this invites couples to surpass the limitations of conventional expectations, fostering an environment where both high and low desire partners can authentically get their needs met. Let's discover the strength that lies in the diversity of desires and the beauty that unfolds when we meet our partners with empathy and open hearts.

The high drive partner often brings a vibrant enthusiasm, igniting passion and spontaneity within the connection. Their strength lies in their ability to infuse energy into the relationship, driving exploration and keeping the spark alive. On the other hand, the low drive partner contributes a balance, offering a steady and calming presence. Their strength is in their capacity for deep emotional connection and creating a safe, nurturing space within the relationship.

When looking to meet the needs of the partner with the lower libido, be sure to acknowledge there are countless factors that contribute to being the low desire. It is important to communicate your libido shifts to your partner. When it’s communicated it dispels the internal narrative you have in your head and allows you to be met where you are. Your strength lies in the depth of emotional connection and ability to foster understanding and empathy within the relationship.

It is equally important to recognize the needs of the higher drive partner. Your enthusiasm and passion brings a vitality that propels the relationship forward. Pursuing your lover while respecting their pace is essential. Your strength lies in the zest for connection and ability to keep the flame alive. Do not suppress your desire, lean into communication with your partner. Your needs are valid as well and worth communicating. 

One of the most powerful ways to meet both partners desire is to broaden our perspective on sex.

Sexual needs can be met (and exceeded) when you get creative on how to connect. It's not solely about the physical act that looks the same every time, but of shared experiences, connection, and emotional intimacy. By expanding our definition of sex, we open the door to a myriad of possibilities that remove the confines of traditional expectations.

Consider this as an invitation to explore new avenues of connection. Engage in open conversations with your partner about desires, fantasies, and the emotional aspects of intimacy. This shared vulnerability can lead to a deeper understanding of each other's needs and pave the way for a more fulfilling connection.