Interview with Renae Smith
television host, business owner, international voyager, mother and wife.
1) What makes a person sexy to you? And how has that changed for you over time?
Over the years, my understanding and appreciation of what I find attractive in others have profoundly transformed. Initially, I was captivated by confidence—a quality that radiated self-assurance and seemed to suggest a strong sense of self. There was something undeniably appealing about someone who could walk into a room and command attention through their sheer presence…
However, as I've grown and experienced more of life, my perceptions have shifted dramatically. I've come to understand that confidence, while certainly an attractive trait, can sometimes be just a facade.
It can be performed, exaggerated, or even completely disconnected from a person's true feelings and vulnerabilities. Confidence, I've learned, can be misleading—a veneer that masks insecurities or, in some cases, a lack of genuine substance. This realization was pivotal, leading me to reassess what I truly value and find sexy in others.
Authenticity has emerged as the quality I now hold in the highest regard. There is something incredibly attractive about someone who is unapologetically themselves, someone who does not feel the need to hide behind a constructed image or conform to societal expectations…
2) What makes sex deeply fulfilling to you today? Has that changed over the years?
My relationship with sex has matured a lot. Previously, I used sex as a way to feel better about myself, seeking validation from being with people who were attractive or socially desirable, even if I didn't genuinely like them. This approach was about seeking external validation rather than forming a genuine connection. Now, I see sex as a means to deepen the bond with my partner, focusing on emotional intimacy and mutual respect rather than just physical pleasure.
This maturation in my relationship with sex has led to more meaningful and satisfying sexual experiences. By focusing on building a strong emotional connection with my partner, sex has become a profound expression of our bond…
3) Have you ever used sex and sexuality in ways you're not proud of? Tell me about it.
For a long time, I saw sex as a means to affirm my self-worth, mistakenly believing that my value was intertwined with my sexual desirability and encounters. This perspective led me down a path where the quality of my interactions was often overshadowed by the sheer pursuit of feeling valued and wanted.
This approach, I now understand, was deeply flawed. It placed my sense of self in the hands of others, making my self-esteem contingent upon external validation.
This reliance was not only precarious but also fundamentally misplaced. It diverted my attention from the intrinsic worth I possess, irrespective of anyone else's approval or desire.
The journey to this understanding has been one of introspection and sometimes, difficult acceptance. I've had to confront uncomfortable truths about my motivations and the ways in which I sought validation. This process of self-reflection has been challenging yet invaluable. It has allowed me to disentangle my self-worth from my sexual experiences, recognizing that the former is inherent and unchanging, while the latter is just one aspect of my complex human experience.
4) Tell me about the time when you first became interested in your sexuality. When did you learn about the intensity of pleasure your body could experience? How did it change you?
Embarking on the journey to understand and embrace my sexuality has been a profound and challenging adventure, largely due to the restrictive upbringing I experienced as a Jehovah's Witness. In this environment, sexual exploration was not just discouraged; it was outright prohibited.
The teachings and cultural norms within the community painted sexuality outside of very specific, narrow confines as morally wrong, leaving little room for personal discovery or expression.
Breaking free from these deeply ingrained beliefs and restrictions in adulthood presented its own set of challenges. I found myself navigating uncharted waters, attempting to discover and understand aspects of my sexuality that most people explore in their earlier years. This delayed exploration was accompanied by an internal struggle against feelings of shame and guilt that had been instilled in me from a young age. The message that pleasure, especially self-induced pleasure, was 'dirty' or 'wrong' had taken a firm hold in my psyche, influencing my ability to embrace my sexuality without judgment.
The process of overcoming these feelings and learning to find joy and self-acceptance through sexual exploration has been both difficult and liberating.
Incorporating toys into my exploration played a significant role in this journey, offering a means to experience pleasure in a way that felt more accessible to me. These tools helped bridge the gap between the shame I felt and the natural human desire for sexual pleasure, allowing me to gradually dismantle the notion that such experiences were 'dirty.'
Despite these advances, the act of masturbation, particularly without the aid of toys, remains a challenge for me. My brain seems to lock up, and the act feels unnatural, leaving me feeling odd and disconnected from the experience. This hurdle, however, has been made less daunting with the support and understanding of my husband. His patience, encouragement, and unwavering acceptance have been instrumental in my journey towards self-acceptance. He has played a crucial role in helping me see that I am not 'gross' for having sexual desires or for enjoying pleasure.
5) How has your body, your sexual drive and response changed over the years? Does it correlate with chronological age or does it defy it? Does how you feel in your body at different times in your life shape how you feel in your sexual self?
Adjusting my sexual drive and response to focus more on the depth of connection and shared exploration with my partner rather than the excitement of the chase has been both challenging and rewarding. This evolution in my sexual desires is not a consequence of aging or a diminishing libido. In fact, when I met my partner at the age of 38, our sexual relationship was incredibly active, with multiple encounters throughout the day, clearly demonstrating that age was not a limiting factor in our desire or capacity for sexual enjoyment.
As time has passed, the frequency of our sexual encounters has naturally decreased, influenced more by the demands and responsibilities of daily life than by any change in our physical desire for each other. The introduction of a baby into our lives has further complicated our ability to spontaneously connect sexually, as anyone with children can attest to the challenges of finding privacy and energy amidst the demands of parenting.
Despite these changes, both my partner and I are deeply committed to maintaining the spark and vibrancy of our sexual relationship. This commitment goes beyond merely seeking physical satisfaction; it's about valuing the sexual connection we share…
His approach to our sexual relationship, prioritizing our emotional and physical connection over the act, plays a significant role in keeping my interest alive. It's this emphasis on a shared, deeply connected experience that has been crucial in adapting to the changes in our sexual dynamic while keeping our relationship fulfilling.
